Amour
(Wednesday, April 9, 2025)
Our new French teacher has been asking some profound questions in class. Yesterday, she wrote a list of emotional words on the whiteboard—nostalgie, peur, colère, espoir, amour, bonheur, tristesse, jalousie, etc. —and asked us:
Which of these are indispensable to you? Which are inutile—unnecessary?
Each student shared their thoughts. I stayed quiet, partly because my voice was nearly gone from a fun weekend, partly because their answers, while thoughtful, felt a little different from mine.
For indispensable, some said bonheur (happiness), others espoir (hope). No one mentioned amour—even though it was written in big letters, right in the middle of the board, staring back at us.
I guess we were a room full of sensible adults who’ve learned not to breathe in love just to live.
Finally, the teacher said amour was indispensable for her. Then she asked if anyone else felt the same.
No one raised their hand. But I did.
“Amour de soi,” I said. “Self-love.”
She smiled. That wasn’t quite the amour she had in mind, but she liked the answer. Then she asked me to explain what self-love means.
I tried. I said something like, “It’s about accepting who you are, forgiving your mistakes…” And before I could think of something more positive, she cut in: “Amour de soi, c’est j’aime soi-même,” she said. Oh, just the literal translation.
That stayed with me. I’ve spent years practicing self-love, or at least trying to—prioritizing my feelings, focusing on my health, learning to accept and forgive myself.
But when I had to explain what self-love meant to me, what came to mind first was… forgiveness. The darker side. The pain I’ve had to work through.
It made me wonder: Is that all there is? Is self-love just accepting flaws and letting go of pain? Can there be a rainbow in the sky even if it hasn’t rained?
I wanted more clarity. So I asked Perplexity.
Self-love refers to the practice of appreciating, accepting, and nurturing oneself in a compassionate and intentional way. It involves recognizing your inherent worth, embracing your strengths and imperfections, and prioritizing your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Self-love is not about arrogance or narcissism; rather, it is about fostering a healthy relationship with yourself that supports growth and resilience[1][2][3].
Key Elements of Self-Love:
Acceptance: Embracing yourself as you are, including flaws and imperfections, while acknowledging your unique value[2][5].
Compassion: Treating yourself with kindness and forgiveness, especially during challenging times[2][6].
Boundaries: Setting limits to protect your energy and prioritize your well-being[2][3].
Self-Care: Engaging in activities that nourish your body, mind, and soul, such as exercise, relaxation, or creative pursuits[3][6].
Positive Self-Talk: Replacing negative thoughts with affirmations that reinforce self-worth[2][3].
Growth: Continuously working on personal development and embracing change as part of the journey[2].
Benefits of Self-Love:
Enhances self-esteem and confidence[1][6].
Promotes mental health by reducing stress, anxiety, and depression[1][3].
Improves relationships by fostering empathy and kindness toward others[1].
Encourages resilience in the face of challenges[6].
Self-love is a lifelong process that requires consistent effort and reflection. It shapes how individuals interact with themselves and the world around them, ultimately contributing to a more fulfilling life[1][5].
As I read through that list, I bolded the parts I’ve often skipped:
Appreciating myself.
Recognizing my strengths.
Affirming my worth.
Believing in myself.
Those are the muscles I haven’t been using enough. I’ve stretched the ones for survival—now it’s time to build the ones for living.
If I divide this healing journey into phases, maybe the first phase was about accepting and forgiving. But lately, I’ve felt something missing. I’ve felt more relaxed, sure—but not confident.
Now I think I’m entering the second phase. The one where I learn to appreciate who I am. To believe in myself.
Growing up in China, I was mostly told what I did wrong, what I needed to fix, and how I disappointed people. I can’t remember many praises. So when I’m asked myself, “What are my strengths?” I still hesitate.
I once had to ask Louis for help before an interview. “Analytical? Strong financial modeling skills?” But what about my personality strengths?
I think I’m brave. I stayed in that tough high school. I found my way to New York. I started a business. I talked to strangers in French two weeks ago for the school interview exercise.
Yes. I’m bold. I’m courageous. I’m brave. So today, I’ll hold my head a little higher. No more burying it when I talk about these life changes.
I’m going to try to see more of these things in myself. I want to be the proud parent I didn’t have growing up, to discover what I’m good at, to celebrate myself, to be happy for myself.
Because that’s part of having a healthy relationship with me.
——
As for love beyond myself? That may not be indispensable for everyone, but I would like to always have it in my life.
I love my parents, my boyfriend, my friends, my childhood neighbors—even with their imperfections. I can live without them, but they make living so much better.
I love to love. I love to care.
And as someone who used to struggle with goodbyes, I asked myself: What if I lost everyone I love tomorrow?
It would hurt. But I think I’d be okay. Because now I believe that the best kind of love is one that says:
“We’re so happy together—but I will still be whole if we’re apart.”
——
Citations:
[1] https://psychcentral.com/health/what-is-self-love-and-why-is-it-so-important
[2] https://lee-annebrown.com/2024/02/29/what-does-self-love-mean/
[3] https://bbrfoundation.org/blog/self-love-and-what-it-means
[4] https://www.reddit.com/r/DecidingToBeBetter/comments/r8mks2/can_someone_please_explain_to_me_what_selflove_is/
[5] https://www.muriellemarie.com/blog/what-it-means-to-really-love-yourself
[6] https://health.clevelandclinic.org/self-love
[7] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-love
[8] https://www.betterup.com/blog/self-love
[9] https://tinybuddha.com/blog/what-self-love-means-20-ways-be-good-to-yourself/
[10] https://namimetsub.org/the-most-important-kind-of-love-is-self-love/